To Serve and Protect
by GoesKaboom
Summary: When Alfred comes to the Central Park Zoo for a PR stunt, it's up to the penguins to make sure he's safe. But the Red Squirrel has other plans for anarchic overthrow, and they involve taking out the number-one threat: America himself. Crack. Complete.
1. Part One

**Note: My annoying upstairs neighbor is apparently playing basketball with a bowling ball and it's driving me crazy. If I owned either the _Penguins of Madagascar _or _Hetalia_ I would be wealthy enough to _not_ live in this pit of despair some people naively call a college dormitory. **

To Serve and Protect

Part One

_Monday Morning. 0700Hours _

Ah, Monday morning calisthenics. None of the penguins particularly enjoyed them, but they knew that if they wanted to start the week off right, they'd need to be limber and healthy. "Come on boys, twist and jump, twist and jump!" Skipper commanded. "Faster! My grandmother can move better than you!" And so, despite much grumbling, the others tried to step up their game, at least, until a rather dark shadow appeared.

"HAAAAAAWK!" Kowalski hollered, immediately hitting the deck. Private followed suit, while Rico coughed up a grenade, ready to attack. Skipper, however, narrowed his eyes, before gasping aloud.

"Hold your fire, Rico! Kowalski! Private! Stand up straight and give the Commander in Chief some respect here!" The "hawk" landed down on the penguins' island and looked around.

"Thank you, Skipper, for the introduction," he said. "And by the way, I'm a bald eagle, not a hawk. Name's Washington. Skipper and I go way back."

"Washington works for the United States Department of Defense, Animal Division," Skipper explained. "We go way back- we were in basic training together. Anyway, sir, what brings you here today? Surely it's not a social call, is it? I haven't heard from you in years!" Washington sighed.

"As nice as that would be, no. I'm afraid it's much more serious than that, and I'm going to need the help of your team for a very special mission. I heard about your work with the parks commissioner- very impressive indeed. But he was small potatoes! I'm sure you've heard about the ZooFest coming tomorrow?"

"Yes, we've been preparing for it for the past two weeks! We have security measures in place, cameras set up, and we'll be patrolling the zoo throughout the whole event. Lots of important people are going to be there. We've got it covered," Skipper explained proudly. Washington shook his head.

"Tell me, do you know the entire guest list?" he asked. Kowalski flipped through his notebook.

"Umm... some movie stars, a few senators, the governor of California, and a bunch of random people. Why?"

"Skipper. Do you remember meeting Alfred F. Jones?" the bald eagle asked. Skipper's beak dropped open.

"You can't be serious, man! He's coming to a minor zoo event like this? How does he have the time? Doesn't he have more important things to be doing?"

"It's the idea of the President. He wants him to get to know the people of the country a little better. But I've taken a look at the humans' plans to protect him, and it's nowhere near enough! What if Dr. Blowhole or the Red Squirrel decides to attack? The humans' plan has mostly focused on human enemies! That's where your team comes in," Washington explained. "You will have to protect Mr. Jones against non-human enemies." Skipper saluted.

"Of course we will! It's an honor to serve!"

"Skipper, who is Alfred Jones?" Private asked curiously. "Is he a very important human?" Washington eyed the penguin suspiciously.

"You're British, huh? I guess you wouldn't know, then."

"Uh-uh," Rico shook his head, looking confused.

"I must admit, I am not sure who you are talking about either," Kowalski added. "Although the name _does_ sound familiar..." Both Skipper and the eagle sighed exasperatedly.

"Yeah, you could say he's a very important human," Skipper said. "In fact, you could say he's one of the most important humans alive today!"

"Alfred F. Jones is America himself," Washington explained. "He is the living embodiment of America itself, in the form of a human man. And he's coming here tomorrow because the president thinks he needs to experience more typical activities that his citizens do. Well, that, and he hasn't taken a day off in a while, and the government thinks he needs to take a break. So he's coming here. To your zoo. But the government is being woefully lax about security and not screening for animal threats, only human threats. That's why the Department of Defense is asking for your assistance."

"Men, this is arguably the most important job we'll ever take. We need this zoo secured tomorrow! No one gets in, no one gets out, not without us knowing about it," Skipper continued. "Don't worry, sir," he said, saluting the eagle. "We won't let you down!"

"I knew I could count on you, Skipper! Your team already is known in our division as a go-to group in case of an emergency here in New York. Your country salutes you," Washington said, getting ready to fly off. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to the office. Interns, you know- never know how to read the radar." With that, the eagle majestically launched himself into the air and flew away.

"Wow..." Rico squacked.

"How can a person be a country, Skipper?" Private asked curiously. The older penguin shrugged.

"We actually don't have intel on that. All we know is that every country has a human that is the living spirit of the nation itself. Alfred F. Jones is America. And if he's coming here, we're going toneed to make sure this zoo is safer than it has ever been before. The commissioner was small potatoes compared to this, and we all know how important he is!"

"But how are we going to make the zoo any safer than it was for the commissioner?" Kowalski asked. "We outdid ourselves then!"

"You're the genius, I'm sure you'll think of something," Skipper replied. "Maybe come up with some kind of force-field- can you do that by tomorrow?"

"I can certainly try," Kowalski responded. Skipper slapped him.

"Don't give me attempts, man, give me results! You'd better have that force-field up and running by tonight!"

"Right away, Skipper," Kowalski said quickly, heading off for the lab immediately.

"Rico, Private! You two are on patrol! Spend today looking for possible natural threats and neutralize them!"

"Yes sir!" Private affirmed at the same time that Rico squacked his understanding. They hurried off to look for potentially dangerous natural threats to the zoo, such as uneven concrete, or lemur-induced accidents. Skipper stood surverying the zoo for a moment, thinking. Had the government finally gone crazy? The zoo was safe while he was in charge, but how did the country himself have time to do something as frivolous as go to a zoo festival? Chalking it up to a PR stunt, Skipper hopped into headquarters to activate the cameras he had hidden around the zoo. Might as well set up the surveillance station now.

* * *

"I'm doing _what_ now?" Alfred asked in surprise, nearly dropping his coffee cup. "Why am I going to a zoo? I thought there was supposed to be a NAFTA meeting tomorrow that I was supposed to go to!"

"It's been postponed," Rahm Emanuel explained. "This is more important. The president thinks that you need to go experience more of the life of the citizens. He thinks that you've been working too hard."

"But I've been working hard because it's necessary," Alfred said. "I've been trying to fix the economy!"

"We know that," the White House Chief of Staff replied. "That's why you need to take the day off. It'll be good, the Central Park Zoo is supposedly one of the best in the country." _Not to mention it's probably one of the safest places at this time... it's unlikely that there will be any terrorists there_, he thought, but didn't say aloud. Alfred shrugged.

"Sure. That's fine. I'm going tomorrow? How am I getting there?"

"Air Force One," came the reply. "The president is letting you borrow it."

"Awesome!" Alfred exclaimed. He loved taking Air Force One places- it was probably the most awesome plane ever. It even had _rooms._ Not being the president, Alfred rarely got the opportunity to take the plane anywhere.

"I'm glad you think so," Emanuel said dryly. _He's so childish sometimes..._ he thought, again not saying it aloud.

The zoo. Alfred had to admit, it had been a while since he had taken a day off, and the last time he'd gone to the zoo was over a decade ago, when he'd gone to the Henry Doorly Zoo in Omaha, Nebraska. Maybe it would be cool to go. He liked the zoo, especially the penguins. They were so funny, the way they slid around on their stomachs and waddled and jumped in and out of the water. And lemurs. They were funny, the way they had such fuzzy little tails and acted like they were dancing. Yes, the zoo seemed to be the perfect place to take a day off.

* * *

Meanwhile, hiding out in his lair, the Red Squirrel had managed to intercept a few phone calls. _So, _he thought, _America himself is coming to the zoo. It is perfect timing to put my plan into action! _

To Be Continued

Author's Comments:

Just a three-shot I thought up while I was frustrated with my neighbors making it impossible for me to study for exams. Seriously, I wasn't kidding when in the disclaimer I complained about my living situation. Listening to stupid people bouncing balls all night is incredibly annoying. Makes me wish I had Rico here so he could go cough up some dynamite. But don't follow my example. If you need to study, make sure you study. This has been your public service announcement for the day.

Um, yeah. This premise. It actually came to me when I was just mindlessly Googling things and I came across a picture of Alfred and a bald eagle. It started making me think, "If the military has an animal branch with penguins, why couldn't the Department of Defense have an animal branch with a bald eagle?" And that's how Washington was born. I kind of wanted to write something with him in it, but talking bald eagles don't really fit in the Hetalia-verse. And then I was channel-surfing (actually I was trying to find CNN) and I clicked onto the PoM episode _In the Line of Doody_. And then it hit me. Washington could work for the government, and he'd have to go tell the penguins that their security services were needed when Alfred goes to the zoo. It's completely bonkers, and I don't expect anyone else to actually get this idea, but hey. I'm blowing off steam and killing time until I can go home for the Thanksgiving holiday.

Anyway, hope you enjoy this very, very weird crossover. I mean, honestly, who else would think to cross the _Penguins of Madagascar_ and _Hetalia? _Apparently me.

-Kaboom


	2. Part Two

Part Two

_Tuesday Morning, 0700 Hours _

One would think that by now, having been around the penguins so long, Marlene would be used to being woken up by some crazy new commando scheme or loudly malfunctioning machines. Since it seemed like something went wrong every single day, you'd think Marlene would have the drill down-pat. Apparently not. The otter felt like she jumped ten feet in the air when she was rudely awoken by a loudly beeping device. Once she gained her bearings back, she turned to glare angrily at Kowalski.

"What are you doing?" she asked. "Why are you even up this early?"

"It's 0700," the penguin replied, waving a beeping wand around the habitat. "And besides, we need to get the area secured by 1100! We're having a very important visitor to the zoo today and we need to make sure the place is safe!" Marlene nodded, having learned long ago to just go along with the penguins when they said stuff like that.

"And who is this important visitor? The parks commissioner again?"

"No... today's guest is much higher-up in the government than the parks commissioner," Kowalski said mysteriously. "In fact, you could say he _is_ the government. And that's why this zoo has to be locked down tighter than Skipper's monk-fish surprise recipe!" Marlene rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, OK. Just- try not to wake me up next time, alright?" But Kowalski didn't seem to hear her (or if he did, he didn't really care), and tucked the beeping rod, whatever it was, under his wing. "Otter habitat secure," he said into a microphone made of old netting and a sardine can. "Moving on to the lemur habitat!"

"Roger that," Skipper's tinny, digitized voice came through. And with that, Kowalski left Marlene's habitat with a jaunty wave. The otter just shrugged. The penguins were always weird, only today they seemed weirder than usual. The government coming to the zoo? Marlene didn't know a whole lot about the humans' government, but she knew that it was made up of many, many workers, not just one, and that they probably had much more important things to attend to than visit some random zoo, even if it _was_ the Central Park Zoo.

* * *

Meanwhile, poor Private was trying to convince Joey to let him search his habitat. "Please, Joey, I need to make sure that there's nothing hiding in here, anything that could hurt the country! He's coming today!" The kangaroo sniffed.

"Joey don't like trespassers," he said. "And why should I care if America is coming? I'm not American!"

"Neither am I," Private replied, getting exasperated. "Look, I just need to wand your habitat and I'll be done. It will take five minutes, if that. I need to do this for security reasons." The irritable kangaroo looked at the penguin, then back to his habitat, then back to the penguin.

"Joey'll take care of everything in here," he said finally. "I'll do it myself. If you think there might be trespassers in here, then I want to deal with them myself, OK?" Private shrugged. Skipper probably wouldn't like it, but it was better than nothing, and besides, what reason would Joey have to try to attack America? And if there _was_ anything in there, Joey would take care of it. The one thing that made Joey angrier than anything else was trespassers. He _hated_ them. No, Private couldn't think of any animal dumb enough to try to cross the angry kangaroo.

* * *

Rico, however, was having difficulty with the badger sisters. "SKWAAAK BRAAWK ARK AWK SKWAK!" he yelled, hoping that if he was loud enough, they would understand him. Unfortunately, Becky and Stacy did not speak "psychosis" and had no idea what Rico was asking them.

"Do _you _know what he's saying?" Becky asked.

"Nope," Stacy replied.

"_SKWAAAK BRAAWK ARK AWK SKWAK!" _

"Stand down, Rico, I'll handle this," Skipper said, having seen the whole thing unfold through his binoculars. "Sorry to bother you this morning, ladies, but we've got to do a security sweep of all habitats. We have a very important guest coming today, and we need to make sure that this zoo is locked up tight. Rico was trying to tell you he needs to scan your habitat for hidden threats and intruders."

"Uh-huh," the pyromaniac nodded. Becky and Stacy exchanged glances.

"Do you really think there's something hiding out in our habitat?" Stacy asked nervously. "I mean, we didn't see anything, but what if, there's like, someone in there?"

"Yeah1 We've been in here all day! Do you think they're going to attack us?" Becky added.

"Not on my watch," Skipper replied. "Just let Rico in to scan and we'll have your habitat secure in no time at all!"

* * *

"You mean, someone more important than _me_ is coming to the zoo? We cannot have this! I am the most important creature in this zoo! Me! Do you understand me!" King Julian raged. Apparently Kowalski's explanation of why he needed to search the lemur habitat was the wrong thing to say. Maurice rolled his eyes.

"Sorry about this, he's been thinking his authority is under attack ever since Mort found someone's lost cell phone. He likes some game on it better than the king's feet, and the king feels like he's losing his touch."

"Didn't this happen already?" Kowalski asked. "With the video game?"

"Yeah, and we're not going to make the same mistake again," Maurice replied. "Go ahead and search, I'll distract the king." While Kowalski slipped under the ranting king's radar to do his check of the area, Maurice offered to make King Julian a smoothy, which immediately took his mind off the problem of having someone more important than him coming to the zoo.

"Make sure it has lots of bananas, and mangoes, and passion-fruit, and guava, and lemon, and lime, and orange, and strawberry, and watermelon!" he exclaimed.

"Who the heck puts watermelon in a smoothy?" Maurice mumbled. "Yuk." But he did as the king requested, giving Kowalski enough time to finish his task. He waved back as he saw the penguin salute, showing that he was done.

After everyone met up to discuss their findings, it was decided that the zoo was about as secure as it was going to get.

"Nothing in the reptile house, Skipper, and Joey said he didn't find anything in his habitat. Mason and Phil's home is secure as well," Private reported.

"Excellent work, young Private! What about you, Rico?"

"Braawk skwak awk awk aaawwwwk ark skwaaaak skwak. Ark ark skwaaaak skwaaak braaaaawk. Awwwwk braawk skwak," the pyromaniac penguin replied. Skipper nodded.

"Badger, koala, and gorilla habitats are secure. Kowalski- report!"

"Marlene's habitat is safe, there's nothing wrong with the lemurs, other than the usual, and Burt's good. Nothing in there."

"Excellent," Skipper exclaimed. "Petting zoo, koalas, and our base are secure! Now, let's eat, then we'll do one last patrol around the zoo!"

* * *

Tony the pigeon was doing what a pigeon normally does in New York City- bobbing and weaving around on the sidewalk, trying to look cute and cuddly in the hopes that someone might take pity on him and toss him a french fry or a bit of hot-dog bun. Usually, tourists would humor him, saying things like, "Oh, look at the city pigeon! We don't have pigeons like him back in Omaha!" Tony usually wanted to tell them something like, "You don't have pigeons like me in your city? Tell that to my aunt Carmen/cousin Ralph/sister Anna/brother Salvatore/uncle Jim-Bob/grandma Charlotte/etc," but he never did. How could he? He was a pigeon. And he honestly didn't care. If the tourists wanted to believe that he was different from the pigeons in their home city, who was he to deny them?

A little girl had just tossed him a bit of a cinnamon bun which he happily gobbled up, causing the little girl to giggle. He liked that. He'd tell his multitude of siblings, cousins, friends, neighbors, random relatives, and other visiting pigeons to not poo on her. Suddenly, he found himself tackled to the ground.

"Woah, man, chill out! Was that your bit of cinnamon roll? I'm sorry, I thought she was throwing it to me!"

"Nyet," a dark voice muttered in his ear. "I do not want the bun of cinnamon. I know you pigeons go to the Central Park Zoo often." Tony looked up to see a grizzled old squirrel staring him in the face. "You will help me get inside the zoo at any cost. I need to get in there by 1100 today."

"1100?" Tony asked.

"Er, in your civilian time that would be 11:00. There is something I must do," the squirrel said. Tony looked around nervously.

"Uh, can't you just walk in like everyone else? It's not like they're going to chase you out- we go in all the time and we see squirrels in the park who come into the zoo relatively often. What do you need my help for?" This was getting very sketchy very quickly, and Tony didn't want to have anything to do with this. With his experience, squirrels were rather dumb animals, usually they'd need a map to find their own tail, but this one seemed different. By animal fur standards, he was a shocking red color, and he seemed to be quite a bit smarter than his other species-mates.

"Nyet," the squirrel said again. "I must avoid the penguins." Immediately, Tony wanted to be anywhere but there. If this squirrel had beef with the penguins he wasn't going to be touching that with a ten-foot pole. His friends Dushawn and Patrick had gone up against the penguins when the parks commissioner had gone to the zoo, and they'd turned their own weapons against them. Both pigeons had ended up covered in their own blueberry-enhanced poo.

"L-look, man," Tony stammered. "I don't know what problem you have with the penguins, but you're not getting me involved in it. Find someone else, I'm not sneaking you in the zoo." A click and a press of cold metal against his head made him stop and freeze.

"I do not think I was asking you," the squirrel said. "Now get me in that zoo." Tony gulped. The threat of getting shot was a wonderful motivator...

"Alright," he said. "Come with me."

* * *

At JFK International Airport, Alice the zookeeper stood on the tarmac with a bunch of other officials, waiting for Air Force One to touch down. She still couldn't understand for the life of her why Alfred F. Jones of all people was going to the zoo. Surely America had more important things to do than visit some podunk zoo in the middle of Central Park. Didn't he have, you know, American things to be doing?

"Stand up straight and don't scowl like that," one of the government officials told her. "Do you want to make a good impression or what?"

"Yeah, yeah," the cranky woman muttered, although she did correct her posture and try to arrange her face into something less angry than her usual default expression. After what seemed like an eternity, the plane touched down and Alfred exited.

"Hello," he said, walking up to Alice. "You must be the zookeeper. Thank you for taking the time out of your workday to be here, I really do appreciate it. I'm looking forward to seeing the zoo! Although I am hungry, is there anywhere to get something to eat in the zoo?" the man, apparently Alfred F. Jones, asked her.

Alice was speechless for a while. When she had been told that America himself was going to be coming to her zoo, she was expecting someone a lot more along the lines of Uncle Sam- older man, tall, dressed from head to toe in red, white and blue. This man looked to be barely out of his teens, and was wearing jeans and an old bomber jacket. She gathered her wits about her, though, to answer his question. "Uh, yes, if you'll follow me there's a car waiting. There's a food court in the zoo so you'll be able to get something to eat before the tour and the speech. There's stuff like pizza and burgers and salads."

"AWESOME!" Alfred yelled, surprising her. "I _love_ burgers! This is turning out to be a great trip already! Oh, and by the way, does your zoo have penguins? I was told that I should look for penguins." Again, Alice was extremely surprised.

"Yeah, there's penguins, but they're the weirdest penguins I've ever seen. Let me know if you see them doing anything strange."

"Strange?" Alfred asked.

"You'll know it when you see it, trust me."

To Be Completed

Author's Comments:

Part two is finished, and I really need to be studying, not writing. Oh well.

The next part will be the last part- Alfred and the penguins will meet, and the Red Squirrel will carry out his plan.

-Kaboom


	3. Part Three: End

Part Three

When Alfred asked to be taken to the penguin habitat, Alice didn't think anything of it. After all, lots of people liked penguins (although why, she'd never managed to figure out. Penguins were sneaky little varmints, at least the ones at this zoo were), and she showed him where they were. She gave her normal spiel about penguins, about how they lived in Antarctica and that they waddled around, that the male penguins were the ones to look after the eggs... just the general things that people liked to know about penguins. She was about to continue when her walkie-talkie chirped.

"Yo, Alice, can you get over here? The woman's room toilets are backed up again." Muttering under her breath, the woman holstered the radio and turned to Alfred.

"I'm very sorry, sir, but there's an emergency over there. Is it alright if I leave you here for now? I'll be back as soon as possible to finish the tour, alright?" she asked in her sweetest voice, plastering her "customer service" smile on her face. Alfred nodded.

"No problem. I'll just stay here and watch the penguins. They're so funny, aren't they?" Alice snorted.

"If you see anything suspicious let me know," she said. "There's something up with those birds. I'm sure of it." The bad-tempered zookeeper stomped off in the direction of the restrooms, and Alfred approached the habitat's fence. Immediately, all four penguins jumped out and surrounded the nation.

"It's a pleasure to meet you again, sir," Skipper said, saluting.

"Hello Skipper. Washington said you were looking well," Alfred replied, saluting the penguin in return. Private looked shocked.

"He can understand us, Skipper?"

"Unlike most humans, nations can understand animals that are within their borders," Skipper explained.

"It's very useful during war-time," Alfred added. "During the Civil War I had a pigeon tell me when my psychotic split personality was around when I was wounded, so I could get out of the way and not have to fight him until I was well again. Anyway. Skipper, are you going to introduce me to your team? I don't think I've met them before."

"BLAAARGH!" Rico said to introduce himself. When Alfred looked confused, Kowalski took it upon himself to translate.

"He's saying hello. He... doesn't talk normally. Not everyone understands him, so don't worry about it. Unless you're used to him, Rico can be really hard to understand. I'm Kowalski, by the way, this operation's scientist!"

"And the small British one is Private," Skipper introduced. Private saluted.

"It's an honor to meet you, sir!" he said. Alfred smiled at him.

"What brought you to America? I would have thought that someone with your training from Britain would have joined the animal branch of MI5, not here. Not that we're not glad to have you serving America, I'm just surprised, is all." Private nodded.

"I was young when I was transferred to this zoo... apparently there were too many penguins at home, so when I was a chick they took me away from my family and sent me here. Skipper picked me up and helped me train." Alfred clucked his tongue sympathetically.

"I'm sorry to hear that, although the United States salutes your service."

"Thank you, sir," Private said, shyly lowering his head.

"Anyway, sir, we want you to be safe today during this festival or whatever it is," Skipper said. "Kowalski and Private will be keeping an eye on you while the ceremony is going on, and Rico and I will be ready to attack at the first sign of trouble. You'll be safe here, we've made sure of that." Alfred smiled.

"Thank you, but I don't think that will be necessary. After all, what kind of threat is at the zoo? Other than stampeding elephants, that is," he cracked, trying to make a joke. Skipper wasn't laughing, however.

"Don't underestimate the threat posed by rogue animals! Your bodyguards will have control of the human invaders, but what if some pigeon decides he wants to take you out, or a suicide squirrel bomber decides to try to blow up the zoo? Your people aren't trained to handle that! We are! You'll be safe!"

"Skipper! Alice is coming!" Private interrupted, gesturing towards the looming figure of the zookeeper. Skipper glowered.

"Blast! That woman seems to know _exactly_ when to show up. Kowalski, I want you to double-check her files, make sure she's not working with the terrorists!" With that, all four penguins splashed down into their habitat again, leaving a mildly amused Alfred behind.

"They're really funny creatures, aren't they?" he said to no one in particular. Alice looked at him again. She was beginning to think that her country was a little loopy in the brain, but was too patriotic to say anything to that effect. Instead, she turned to him and told him to follow her, since the ceremony would be starting soon.

* * *

Tony the pigeon knew that this was the stupidest thing he'd ever done, and he'd thought he'd been stupid when he ate those barbecue ranch potato chips. They'd upset his stomach so badly that he was sure he was going to die. Obviously, they hadn't killed him, since he was alive enough to get into this situation in the first place. Although whether or not he was going to be alive for much longer was up for debate. Everyone knew that those penguins tended to shoot first and ask questions later, and here he was trying to sneak a known enemy of the penguins into the zoo. If only his mother could see him now, she would yell at him for ignoring his upbringing. "A pigeon never goes into known dangerous situations, even for entire loafs of bread," she had taught him.

"Pigeon," the Red Squirrel's voice interrupted his thoughts. "You have been standing around a lot, and we are not getting any closer to the ultimate goal. It seems to me that you don't want to live very much longer, da?" Tony shivered.

"No, sir, it's not that," he said. "We just... have to make sure to avoid the penguins. Neither of us is getting into the zoo if they find us." The squirrel pondered this, then nodded his head.

"Da. You are right. Do not hesitate longer, though, America will be out of our reach if we take too long." Tony nodded and resumed hopping around on the zoo fence, looking for an opening. Or, even better, someone who could help him. When he saw the youngest penguin, the one with the accent, he had an idea, hopping back down to the ground where the grizzled old squirrel was waiting.

"Uh, sir? I think there's someone who might be able to help us get in the zoo, but I need to negotiate with him. Stay here, and try not to attract attention to yourself, if the penguins find you they'll attack without a second thought." Without giving the old squirrel a chance to respond, he fluttered up to the wall and jumped down behind it, right in front of Private.

"Uh, can I help you?" Private asked, taking in Tony's frantic appearance.

"You're one of those commando penguins, right? You've got to help me. There's a squirrel out there that wants to take out America, who's supposed to be in here, and he's threatened to kill me unless I can sneak him into the zoo! Please, you can't let him kill me, I have a family- a wife and little egg-chicks."

"Nice try, Tony," Skipper said, walking up next to Private. "Sondra left you last year, and you never had kids."

"OK, OK, the family bit was a lie, but there's seriously a crazy squirrel out there that wants into the zoo who's threatening me! Please, help me! I promise I had nothing to do with Dushawn and Patrick's stunt last fall with the commissioner." Skipper nodded.

"I know you didn't. And I know that the Red Squirrel is outside, that's why I came out here. I'm willing to overlook your involvement with him if you're willing to help us take him out." Tony readily agreed. This was turning out better than he ever could have hoped for. The penguins weren't going to kick his butt, and the Red Squirrel wasn't going to get a chance to waste him for failing him.

"OK... so here's the plan..."

* * *

The Red Squirrel shifted uncomfortably. What was taking that pigeon so long? Surely a negotiation wouldn't take this long... or maybe he'd run into the penguins. He ground his teeth in frustration. Stupid pigeon, getting himself into a situation like that. Well, the squirrel wasn't about to save him, he'd have to deal with it on his own.

Suddenly, he found himself hitting the ground roughly. He turned around and to his horror, saw one of the penguins looming up over him.

"So, you thought you'd undermine government authority today by taking out our country himself, didja?" Skipper snapped, slapping the squirrel across the face. "start talking, fuzzy rat!"

"Fuzzy rat? You call me a fuzzy rat when you're just an ice-chicken?" the Red Squirrel shrieked indignantly. "Nyet! I am not a fuzzy rat!"

"Ice-chicken? That doesn't even make sense! At least squirrels and rats are somewhat similar!" Skipper raged. "Chickens and penguins are nothing like each other." Private just sighed, and clapped a flipper to his forehead. Tony looked at the scene, bemused.

"Does this happen often?"

"More than you know," Private sighed.

The fight turned into something out of a Saturday morning cartoon- fighting and slapping and underhanded punches. Neither Tony nor Private could figure out who was winning- it all looked so random, but eventually it seemed as though Skipper was the victor, because the squirrel stood up, dusted himself off, shot a glare at the three birds, and said, "This is not over, penguin. And you, pigeon, you will pay for betraying me!" He scurried off, leaving Tony terrified.

"Is he coming after me?" he asked.

"Nah," Skipper said. "If he does it will be so long after this he probably won't even remember it."

"That makes me feel _so_ much better..." the pigeon said, sarcasm practically dripping from his beak.

The ceremony passed uneventfully for Alfred, who bestowed a special award from the EPA to Alice, who was surprised to receive it. She hadn't been aware that the zoo had been involved in some rare animal protection program. Other than that, however, the ceremony was deadly boring, and Alfred was very grateful to see it ended.

He would have liked to see those penguins again, but he was hustled out through the zoo gates to the waiting taxi to return to DC. Alfred would never figure out how close he'd come to destruction by squirrel.

And that was exactly how the penguins would have it. Their mission: to serve and protect, in the background. The less their clients knew about their process the better.

Even if that client was the United States of America.

END

Author's Comments:

I had originally said I would have this up by Christmas, but some stuff came up, making it difficult for me to find time to write, the least of which involved an accidental trip four cities over thanks to a sat-nav on the fritz. IN THE SNOW. And I hate driving on a _good_ day.

Hope you all had a good Christmas, if you celebrate it, and Happy New Year!

-GoesKaboom 12.27.2010


End file.
